hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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