i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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