I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
