I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
