Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
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