8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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