she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
