No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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