The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
