She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just gift wrapped bread.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
