i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
