Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
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