you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
