She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
