My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
