cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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