My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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