Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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