You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
