Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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