Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
