new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
