so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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