I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize