It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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