drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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