dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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