When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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