What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
