I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just invented taco cereal.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
