i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
