the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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