My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
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