great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
