dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
