So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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