i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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