Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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