I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
vagina is talking i cant
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
