Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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