I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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