Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
