I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think a kid would responsible me up
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
