I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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