You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
