Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My cat gives me a boner
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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