she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
