oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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