hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
