normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
